As I sit in my genetics’ class (though I make no attempts to like or appreciate the duality and darkness of it) I see all the more clearly how lost we are as men, as woman, as children of God who ate the apple, who blamed and bit at one another. I can see all the more the darkness of the world, its lost wanderings that have slowly (in some cases quickly) led to death, destruction, sin separation from the living God.
I have no notion of my own greatness, of my own triumphs, because, to be honest, I am weak, still clinging to too much of the daughter of wrath that is already dead, but still clung to, still somehow attached. It is now that I understand Paul, the apostles, the church, and the cost of life so much more than I ever have.
Sitting in that classroom I was struck, no, impaled with the reality that the only reason I still cling to life is because God wants me here. Death would be a far better thing. I do not speak in a way to say I want to kill myself, but that I desire to return home, return to the presence of the Lord. Sitting in that room, I have never felt so much sadness, disgust, and longing churning and moving inside of me all at once.
This world carries great beauty, great joy, great compassion, and great love. The problem is, that it also contains the reminder and the suffering for our birth into children of wrath. I am not here for my sake, but for Christs. Death no longer has any fear over me. That is not to say I don’t fear and tremble at the idea, the reality of dying, but I no longer cling to this world, this broken place. The only reason I am able to get up some mornings is with the reality, with the hope that when I do finally breath my last, when my struggles are finally finished, that I will stand before my father who will say: “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”
I fear however, I am at best inadequate, and at worst a wretch, who is underserving of such praise. How much time, energy, year’s, moments, and lifetimes have I wasted on pointless things, on pointless struggles? How many times I have I done things with the intent to destroy, because I refused to let the empty blackness that eats at me to be filled with the Lord? He is the only remedy, the only cure and I pity those that do not see the reality of their need for him. I do not say this in a cruel childish way, but with the hope that one day their eyes are opened, their hearts are cleansed. We’ll spend an eternity in one of two places, and I hope they spend it with my family, not the worlds.
I hope by sharing this, by sharing a bit of my struggle, my joy, my realization that some of you out there will be blessed, be encourage. Run the race well, my brothers and sisters, and in but a short time we will all be home.